Is It Love or Limerence? Identifying and Overcoming Obsessive Attachment.
Before entering a relationship or pursuing someone, many people experience uncertainty, wondering if their feelings are mutual or if they’re deluding themselves. This period is often marked by obsessive thoughts, intense joy from even minor interactions, and deep despair following negative experiences with the person of interest.
This phenomenon is known as limerence. According to research, limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person, often experienced involuntarily. It is characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings, though not necessarily for a romantic relationship.
Psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov, who first described limerence in 1979, explains that it occurs when a person develops an obsessive attachment to someone. It typically manifests as an intense, irrational form of love that feels intrusive and uncontrollable.
Signs You’re Experiencing Limerence
Research shows that limerence is often associated with attachment styles, particularly insecure ones. Here are the signs and symptoms that indicate you may be going through limerence:
1.Idealization: You hold the person up to unrealistic standards, perceiving them as flawless or perfect. You may overlook any negative traits or behaviors, which can be dangerous if it leads you to ignore red flags such as abusive tendencies.
2.Intrusive Fantasies or Daydreaming: You find yourself having intense and vivid daydreams about this person, idealizing future interactions, scenarios, or a relationship with them.
3.Obsessive Thoughts or Difficulty Concentrating: Your thoughts are consistently consumed by this person, making it hard to focus on other things. This mental preoccupation can be overwhelming and disruptive.
4.Physical Symptoms: The body often reflects what the mind is feeling. When in close proximity to the limerent object, you may experience an increased heart rate, heightened anxiety, or nervousness—what people commonly describe as “butterflies in the stomach.”
5.Mood Swings: Your emotional state may fluctuate dramatically based on the person’s acknowledgment or lack thereof, with intense highs when you receive attention and profound lows when you don’t.
6.Altered Behavior: In an attempt to impress the person, you might engage in behaviors you wouldn’t normally exhibit or prioritize them over other relationships and responsibilities, driven by a desire for their approval.
Love vs. Limerence: How to Tell the Difference
So, how can you distinguish between being in love and experiencing limerence? Unlike limerence, where you place someone on a pedestal and become obsessed, love involves a realistic understanding of a person’s flaws and a willingness to address them through communication.
In love, mutual respect and support allow both partners to thrive, whereas limerence often results in emotional dependency and fear of rejection.
How to Overcome Limerence
Experts suggest that overcoming limerence involves avoiding a scarcity mentality—the belief that no one else could ever match the person you’re fixated on. Phrases like “I’m looking for my other half” or “Someone to complete me” can contribute to obsessive thinking and dependency.
Instead, focus on developing a healthier perspective on relationships and recognize that fulfilling connections are not solely dependent on one person. Cultivating self-awareness and understanding the difference between love and limerence can lead to healthier, more balanced relationships.
Conclusion
Understanding the difference between love and limerence is crucial for developing healthy, fulfilling relationships. By recognizing the signs of limerence and learning to overcome it, you can move toward relationships that are based on mutual respect and genuine connection rather than obsession.
Article By Suzy Nyongesa.
